These last two weeks, since I’ve been missing my computer and since the only remotely english channel on the TV was MTV I have been watching that.
How, and by “How” I mean “How in the nine fucking circles of dante’s fuckin’ inferno” can people watch this humongous pile of steaming crap that passes as MTV these days? I mean, I turned the damn thing on hoping to watch a music video or something to pass the time until I got my PC back…
Music Videos? Hah!
From the total MTV programme, I would say that 5% is music videos…on a generous day.
50% is Adverts (mostly about mobile phones and mobile games and mobile flirt and other mobile shit)
5% is some absolutely horrible comedy series about a family of rich black people. Completely humorless.
40% is Fake Reality TV
Ohh, how horribly horrible are those reality shows. If you think Big Brother was bad, I challenge you to turn on MTV for 1 fucking tortuous hour.
First of all, they are completely, and I mean absolutely mind-numbingly obviously fuckin fake!
Let’s see what we have:
Pre-exhibit: So that I do not have to write this after every exhibit below, I’m going to state it here because it is the standard in every of those horrible shows. The dialogues are all pre-made and ready. They are not, at all, improvised or “real”. The persons have been instructed exactly when, how and what to say. In the worst case, they are given a generic guideline (Get angry here and curse here). This is unbelievably fuckin’ obvious.
On to the shows:
Exhibit a) NEXT: A “Fake-ality show” where a guy (Usually into bodybuilding, Surfing, Sport and other jock stuff), or a girl (Into R&B, Puppies, etc) will go on a short date with 5 people, one after the other. Each of those people will earn an amount of dollars equal to the time where they stayed on the date. If the original guy or gal gets bored she will shout NEXT and then the other person will come out. If he/she doesn’t then she will give a choice to the other person to either go on a second date or take the money.
Now, these 5 people that are in the “NEXT Bus” are almost always the same type. If the original actor (which is what he is. Or maybe I should say bad actor) is a guy, the girls will be (in almost the same order as well): Young/Immature girl (Rejected), Bad girl (Rejected), Cute Girl (Rejected), Normal (as in trendy/bland) girl (Accepted), Fifth girl (does not matter)
If the original actor is a girl, then it will have a Soft/Romantic guy (rejected), Dweeb (Absolutely rejected), Stupid guy (rejected within the first minute if possible), Normal guy (Accepted) and Fifth guy (Does not matter).
Other than the bad acting and the bad dialogue, they also go to completely stupid activity dates (Sheep Shaving? Cow Milking? Oh gawd!). How the HELL can people see this?
Alright alright, next one is…“I want to be me”
Now, unfortunately this is in German so I never really watched it until yesterday. From the generic outline and any english I managed to catch, the theme is about a guy or gal that wants to be himself (and incidentally want he wants to be is a totaly trendy, mainstream and accepted thing) but he cannot because he is not tall/thin/beautiful or whatever enough.
Now, this episode that I saw was about a very fat kid that wanted to be prom king.
You know what the show taught me?
You can be whatever you want to be if you put your mind into it…and have an NFL trainer, professional spa/swimming/yoga/singing lessons, you own song recording and all the judges paid off.
Yes, yes, it could be you!
– Intermission to allow me to puke –
Alright, moving right along we have “Sweet 16”
Oh the horror…
This show I particulary hate with a volcanicaly burning passion.
It is about a random girl (or sometimes a guy), who’s family incidentaly is stupid rich, and decided to give them a super sixteen birthday party. This usually involves a huge club, a lot of outrageously expensive clothes and a few guest musicians (most probably R&B, Rap or Emo Bands since they seem particulary eager to sell out for such crap)
I never really watched the show with any interest (except yesterday, where I looked at the screen once every five minutes) except from the stage where the 16 year old kids got into the R&B club and started crotch rubbing against each other.
I cannot fully explain the horror of this show unless you (poor sod) watch it yourself. What I hate most about it however is what it passes through to the viewer. “You fuckin’ pathetic mortal. You will be lucky to be invited to such a party by the un-fuckin-believably rich people having it, but don’t you dare be non-mainstream. R&B will be your king and master (emo bands are allows to bitch you aroung as well). You will never have such a party, unless your daddy can pay off MTV and buy the producers a new car.”
I also hated how the invitees loved the birthday girl that did them the honor of inviting them. And when the party girl got two, TWO, new cars, the people just loved it! GRRRR!
OK, ok, I’m going to stop now because I cannot spend the rest of my day here. I will just mention the names of some of these horrible shows fate has made me watch when bored.
“Pimp my ride”
I have been lucky enough to be chosen to have my car remade into something very cool. This is actually the least horrible show I saw.
“Date my Mom”
Random guy dates three moms and decides based on that which of the girls he will take on a date. Now other than the completely idiotic theme of this show, this also is fake. The final dialogue is so prepared that they even use a pre-determined drama pause!
Parents of a random guy or girl do not like her boy/girl-friend and turn to MTV. They each choose a candidate out of a dozen and their baby goes on a date with each. The original boy/girl-friend gets to watch the date on video. The date gets as sleazy as possible (so that the original boy/girl-friend get “upset”) and in the end the kid gets to choose between the two dates or the original boyfriend.
HOW FUCKIN STUPID AND FAKE CAN YOU FUCKIN’ GET?
There were some other fake-ality shows. But I want to leave.
Final advice. Do not watch MTV. There is nothing M about this TV. Only C.