This I had to post

This is just precious:

—-
HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley
Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and
fucks the princess.

GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams
something completely undecipherable for about 2
minutes and then leaves…

POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white
unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess
and they make love in an enchanted forest.

TRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the
dragon, saves the princess and fucks her……. easy
and quick.

FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends
playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more
weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all
the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess.

VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills
the dragon with his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats
it, rapes the princess to death, loots the castle and
burns it down before he leaves.

DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the
dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight,
kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the
castle… then sodomizes the princess, drinks her
blood in a ritual before killing her… then he
impales the deflowered princess.

GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon
and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the
princess and kills her….then he fucks her dead body,
slashes her belly open and eats her guts, fucks the
carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks
it for the last time.

DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of
the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him,
gets depressed and commits suicide… the dragon eats
his body and the princess as well.

PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a
guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon
kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist goes to
the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the
techniques learned in the last year of the
conservatory… the princess escapes, and is now
looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.

GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs
at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter, he steals
the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in
a beautiful pink color.

INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing
greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the
dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by
security guards.

CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way
home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the
dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the
dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately
converted, and when the princess wants to “thank” the
protagonist he replies, “sorry, but I don’t believe in
having sex before marriage.”

TECH METAL: The protagonist plays a whole tone riff
switching between 11/16 and 23/16 with his left hand,
while he taps a descending chromatic pattern with his
right hand. The dragon suffers a massive brain aneurysm
and dies, and the princess runs off to music school so
she can understand what the protagonist was playing.


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